Current mood:	depressed
Current music:	"animals" nickleback

just some new and old shit i deal with all the time
i took a friend of mine to my homecoming on oct. 1st his name is clint o'bryant he is from lewistown he a linebreaker on the football team. he is our hot motorcycle stud from church camp. 11 of us went to hardee's and from there we went to canton to eat at itailin express from there we went to the highschool for the dance! i had such a great time with clint we goofed off and he made me smile and laugh the whole night even though he left about 35 min early (cause he had 3 hours of practice that morning) i still had fun. i slow danced with clint for all of the slow songs except the last one that one i slow danced with jon and he was holding me so close to him that nothing could fit between us and then he decided to start spining in circles and we kinda ran into someone. 8 or 9 senior guys got on the stage and started shaking their butts! i got sandwiched by jon and chris! i think that this homecoming and my freshmen year was the best!
our football team started to win games they haven't won a game since oct 1 2001! we won 3 games in a row ( north fulton, ambingdon, and yorkwood) we lost to porta so know we can't go to playoffs that really sucks because our guys really deserved to go (mostly our 12 senior guys).
i just watched sisterhood of the traveling pants and it made me think about alot. its my senoir year and i cant stand it because ive gotten so close with more people and im gonna be leaving and so are they and we won't prob ever see each other again and forget about everything that we had but i know i won't because even as i think of this and write this right know im crying because it hurts so bad. because of how i was raised im to scared to express myself the way i should i keep everything bottled up inside me until i can't hold it anymore and i end up crying or screaming and yelling at someone. i feel so alone in my life i cant even talk to guys for petes sake because i don't know how to fucking express myself because i don't know how they'll react if im me. oh shit i don't even know who the hell im. i try so hard to impress everyone else that it kills me so much i can't even deciede who i should be or who im! i guess im kinda like the girls on sisterhood of the traveling pants because i have a fucked up relationship with my parents they don't even trust me! i don't know how to act around guys because im to scared and then im such a rebal that i can't wait till i get a realationship with a guy so i can do something with him but then my life is so fucked up that i need someone or something to help me out! i don't know what the hell i need anymore i can't tell my mom anything because she would yell at me or something she thinks she knows everything but she doesn't know shit no one does, no one knows whats going on in my head right now because i don't know who i can and can't trust because i don't even trust my self. i don't know how i keep going on either people don't belive me or won't listen to me i don't know which it is but i wish i did i wish i knew who i was or what i want i have thought of so many things because of all the negative comments i get from my parnets that i don't know how im still here either my mom tells me i need to lose some pounds or she thinks im to skinny for all you people who think you know me i have thought so many times of how i should stop eating but i don't i just keep on eating no matter what my mom says to me even if she treats me like shit and puts me down on how im or how i dress i don't know how i put up with it but i go on maybe just to rub it in their faces or knowing that one day i will leave all of it away that i be somewhere happy but what is happy i don't even know if ill find that happy place! im sure some of you are thinking oh my gosh she needs to see a shrink or something but don't think your so fucking inocent because you might be part of the reason why im like this! i deal with shit that i shouldn't deal with. my life is so fucked up. i don't know how the fuck i havn't tried and shit like alchol or drugs but heck i don't know how i deal with anything. im not even talking to some of the people i used to i use stupid excuses in my life im so mentaly torn that it is hard for me to handle it anymore i don't even know why any guy would ever like me. but i will always keep my head up even thought i feel lower then dirt i still keep moving on i still keep going on.
tuesday is my senoir night for volleyball and friday is my senoir night for football i don't know what to think about it.
monday i had auditions for IMEA all district jazz choir i don't know how i did yet even thought i don't think i made it cause aparently to my mom im not that good of a singer so who knows.
how do you deal with something that kills you everyday that it either hurts you or makes you happy being a senior has really brought up some emotions of mine and it kills me that i won't see some people like i do know i wish i could freeze time to keep it my senior year forever but that won't happen so i have to try to do as much things i need to and spend as much time as i can with all the people i can or even say things. fuck i don't know what else to say so till next time